Do I Miss Having Friends

Before I go into detail on this write-up, let me tell you two things: I don't have any friends and I don't want friends. 

I know the statement is confusing and has multiple meanings. Here's the gist: some time ago, I decided to disconnect myself from everyone I knew, pretty much after I graduated college I guess. Hell I stopped talking to people in general. Not that I wasn't talking to anyone at all, of course I do lol. It's just that I deactivated my Facebook and started a new one (for work purposes and family contact), I deleted my friends' numbers on my phone, and unfollowed all of them in my other social media accounts. I think this is what they called cutting off people.

I decided on it because ultimately, I grew tired of keeping up with those friendships that were never going to last in the first place. I feel like for the past 16 years, I've been hell-bent trying to hold unto my friends because I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be left out with what's on trend, and I didn't want to lose people who I can vent out my problems to. And the thing is, I've been staying on these friendships for all the wrong reasons.

I wasn't myself during those times, I mean it's like I had to be someone else so people would like me. I tried being my real self but guess what - they almost scrammed and so I had to do something because I didn't wanna lose any of them. I had to be useful. Looking back now, it was a stupid thing to do indeed.

I'm tired of being with people who only think of nothing but themselves. Those friendships who think of you as a competition. Damn what a toxic atmosphere to live in. I'm also done making myself available for them all the time but they couldn't even do the same for me. Have you ever had those times when you're almost falling apart and you thought they would be around to pick you up? No, they didn't. Instead, they'd shift the story and make it about themselves and I'm tired of it. That's why after college, I cut off people for good.

Because of this, my circle became exclusively smaller. Aside from my family and loved ones, I had good relationships with my co-workers. But it's a different type of relationship because every after eight hours of work, I wouldn't be in contact with them. It's like our relationship is within the working hours only. And I'm okay with that.

Sometimes, I think and reflect: maybe the problem wasn't with them, but with me. Maybe I wasn't good enough for a friend. It's like those old people who never married, like somehow, marriages were not meant for them. Same as me, maybe I wasn't meant for long term friendships. And I'm actually fine without it, I'm even doing better without it. Ever since I gave up my friends, I felt freedom. I've never been happier. I didn't have to worry about lots of people and how they think of me. I didn't have to be on my phone all the time and hear all those gossip which I can live without. I didn't have to be pressured with the idea of updating them about what's going with my life and let them compare their lives with mine. I'm free and I'm not pretending for anyone anymore.

I'm completely contented with my family, my boyfriend, and a few of my co-workers in which I have a decent relationship with (just four actually hahaha!). These are the kind of people that I let into my life for good. No drama, no competition, no gossip, but just pure love, quality time, happiness for each other, and loyalty. But do I miss having friends? Yeah I do, sometimes. I miss those times when I had friends who make plans with me for the weekend, or who text me and say that we're going cafe hopping after class, or those friends who take me out with them for shopping. But then again, just because you miss something doesn't mean you want it back. 

I can totally redo those things again, but this time with the real people. So I tell you, don't be afraid to cut off people. This is our life and we have the power to control who we let in on our lives. And the best part of it is that, you don't need to explain. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your decisions. You don't have to feel guilty if you know it's for your own good. Focus on the real things, focus on what really matters to you. Ciao!